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Comedian, talk show host and ice road trucker. My tweets are real, and they’re spectacular.

39,273 Following   33,506,217 Followers   9,441 Tweets

Join Twitter 8/14/08

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It’s official – my home goods line has launched! I’m so happy. Watch again on @QVC @ 8pm PST & get the items here. http://t.co/CN3HISfOojSending this tweet from the set of my @QVC special. We're still live! There's half an hour left.Happy #ClassicJokeFriday http://t.co/DRk25GULtUMy live @QVC special starts in 20 minutes! Your holiday shopping could be over by the end of today, and it’s not even November. Here we go!Why did Beethoven sell his chickens? Because all they said was "Bach Bach Bach” #ClassicJokeFridayIt’s the finale of “The Mattress Firm!" All the things you love about #HTGAWM minus most of them. #LaughDancePartner http://t.co/6lwPjKAmav3. More. Days. #TaylorOnEllen #OMG @TaylorSwift13 http://t.co/SvuiOlIBM3Today’s the day! My line of home goods goes live on @QVC! 5PST, 8EST, & sometime in between there for the middle. I’ll let you do the math.What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra. #ClassicJokeFriday
10/24
2014
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/BJS5IUQD4UTomorrow, I’m launching my home goods line on @QVC! They’re already selling like hotcakes! Mental note - next time sell hotcakes, too.4 more. Days, that is. #TaylorOnEllen http://t.co/Aj3nam8LkE.@Fergie’s here today to show me some #LALove. I L.A.Love her. http://t.co/dkBHdNn3R1
10/23
2014
Happy Caps Lock Day! See, you’d think I’d be celebrating by using all caps, but I’m not. It’s counter intuitive. Comedy.5 more days. #TaylorOnEllen http://t.co/dwedlWPhV5Happy #YoureWelcomeWednesday http://t.co/mDXh2ARQQGBill Murray is on my show today for the very first time. He took this selfie backstage. This is gonna be good. http://t.co/R8jElY73oLHBD JTF! I didn’t get an invitation from you. WTF? (That stands for “where’s the fun,” right?) @JesseTyler
10/22
2014
Six more days until @TaylorSwift13’s album release party on my show! http://t.co/eIxcOjF1jMIf you’re watching the World Series tonight, spoiler alert: I already predicted the winner using a classic technique. http://t.co/7a92ID9yNhHappy birthday @JudgeJudy and @KimKardashian! I can’t believe you have the same birthday. You have so much in common. So so much.
10/21
2014
Be kind to one another. http://t.co/VHwBVQoBYC16 years ago, I started supporting @TrevorProject. Join me today by giving $16 to help save lives. http://t.co/vOUr0jBwPd #TrevorSweet16What do you get when you have two of the funniest people on TV on my show at the same time? This. http://t.co/4hmUV21YIdEvery show this week I’ll be hiding an entry to win tix to a 12 Days of Giveaways show in the Ellen app. Sync to win! http://t.co/pWEWmTeAFhHalloween's almost here! I wanna see your #ScaryTweets. I’ll start. Footprints in the snow lead to a window of my empty house. And end thereThis dog has a real future in journalism. http://t.co/aHGjISnTx9
10/20
2014
Happy #ClassicJokeFriday http://t.co/QDcIQNj6y7What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche. #ClassicJokeFridayWe're all @Bengals today! @Dev_Still71 http://t.co/UATBjL8684@TheEllenShow What do Italians eat on halloween? Fetuccini A-fraid-o
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres"The Book of Life" opens today! @ChanningTatum, @ZoeSaldana and @DiegoLuna_ are all here. It’s a perfect Friday. http://t.co/854ALYed2WIt’s National Pasta Day and #ClassicJokeFriday! Anyone know any good pasta jokes? A penne for your thoughts..@Dev_Still71 will be on @TheEllenShow this Friday at 4pm ET! #LetsRoar http://t.co/7ucRg0M11M
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres
10/17
2014
If you don't have a pair of these Ellen boxer briefs in your drawer then your truly missing o… http://t.co/XXklT2Yk8e http://t.co/e6f2g5hBTp
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresI'm happy to see everyone's as excited about #CatWeek as I am! https://t.co/uFUf9zojNdHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/QwxRutA0kNI’m thrilled that @ActuallyNPH is hosting the Oscars. He’s charming and hilarious. Plus, maybe this year we’ll get a musical number.It’s #SpiritDay! Make sure to be kind to one another today, and then do it again tomorrow, and then the next day, and then the next…
10/16
2014
Come say, “Hi," sometime #EllenStyle RT @BenAffleck What can I say? #FincherStyle MT @TheEllenShow Loved Ben in Gone… http://t.co/VO6u8i06fNMy audience is so fancy. You already know. Here’s one thing they don’t know - the lyrics to that @IggyAzalea song. http://t.co/47umEKgKioIt’s a boy! Actually, it’s a @FallOutBoy. Congrats @PatrickStump and welcome baby Declan! See y’all in 2 weeks! http://t.co/aJ0xZw8BujHappy #CatWeek! http://t.co/CR275u3ihxHey @AndyLassner, I think you might be in the shot. https://t.co/YrZskhX88MHappy #YoureWelcomeWednesday http://t.co/w8CWnFAL54Set the DVR... 5-year-old Utah Jazz player JP Gibson & his family will appear on @TheEllenShow on Thursday at 4pm MT! http://t.co/cYOAjLiiUT
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresYou can get @agjewelry at the http://t.co/aCEUgw944H for 20% off! Or, you could enter to win some for free right here http://t.co/GnoG8ovY0K#TurnipForWhat is my new jam. https://t.co/QqEPaHiiMN
10/15
2014
My wife @PortiadeRossi and I sat down for a very serious interview while she was here. Seriously. It was serious. http://t.co/AbHkvK53BGI loved @BenAffleck in “Gone Girl” but I don’t remember seeing his big foam finger. http://t.co/VO6u8i06fN.@Waldo - Hey. Where are you?I’m glad @PortiadeRossi was on my show today. I finally got to ask her if we’re having a baby. http://t.co/JYs4bjmCUqHappy birthday to one of my favorite performers and people, @Usher! Have a wonderful day. Drop by my bushes any time. http://t.co/iHB4a2Kb6M
10/14
2014
I just took the best #ThrowbackThursday photo. I can’t wait for 20 years from now to post it. You guys, it’s gonna be great.I sent @KymDouglas bra shopping at @Nordstrom. Just her, a secret earpiece and some hidden cameras #LaughDancePartner http://t.co/qx0tZNDYrHMy wife @PortiadeRossi is on the show tomorrow! I’m so excited. Plus, I get to use the carpool lane on my way to work.It's my 5th annual #CatWeek! If ya love crazy cat videos & adorable cat videos & funny cat videos… you were probably watching my show anyway
10/13
2014
Ever since my wife joined Twitter she's become like paparazzi. RT @portiaderossi Ed has Scandal on her mind AND back! http://t.co/G1waXrHSd5
10/11
2014
St. Vincent is my favorite movie. I said it. It’s my favorite movie. Now I said it twice. Go see it.Happy #ClassicJokeFriday http://t.co/39fHaukuWHI rounded up my favorite tweetlys of the weekly, including one from my new favorite tweeter, @PortiadeRossi. http://t.co/zFHrAHKh4fI scared @AndyLassner with one of the scariest things imaginable -- a little baby girl dolly. http://t.co/SCNRBnXPqdDoes anyone know how the elevator business is? It has its ups and downs. #ClassicJokeFridayBig news. Huge. 2 weeks from today, I’m gonna be on @QVC! It’s going to be the best hour of shopping television in history.Shia LaBeouf spoke very openly on my show today. I’m glad he’s okay. http://t.co/FZBubdUzdg#MalalaYousafzai is the youngest person to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize. I’m astonished by her bravery. We should all be more like Malala.Happy birthday, @MarioLopezExtra! I’m celebrating by watching you host the @ALMAAwards tonight with @EvaLongoria. Alma be watching!
10/10
2014
Tonight my favorite show is on! I love watching @PortiadeRossi on #Scandal. It makes me so happy. It also confuses the cats.Monday, @SelenaGomez is on the show! For now you'll have to settle for this selfie. http://t.co/Mr2HUXmVBFWhy is @official_tWitch in his Ellen underwear? Find out today! http://t.co/agFz4bimM2.@RobertDowneyJr is here. @RobertDowneyJr is wonderful. http://t.co/fKfpaM5IydHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/LjTstG3RHh
10/9
2014
I’m very excited to announce that my wife @PortiadeRossi will be on my show next week! I’m a big fan. #WCWI asked Jennifer Garner how she feels about her husband, @BenAffleck’s nude scene. Happy #YoureWelcomeWednesday http://t.co/aKkxJidDjcIt’s that time of year again when I ask myself a difficult question and look to you for help. Here goes. What should I be for Halloween?Happy birthday, @BrunoMars! To celebrate, I’m sending you this birthday tweet! I should’ve bought you flowers.
10/8
2014
knjnjmjmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmExcited to stay up to see the lunar eclipse tonight! It starts at 3:25am. All I have to do is keep from falling asleep facedown on my iPhoneYou're never a fool. And your pink underwear looked great in my dunk tank. RT @JoshDuhamel: Ellen's very persuasive in making me act a foolBackstage at my show, @JoshDuhamel revealed his drag name. http://t.co/zpkDCKiAAxI love this video. I love @EdSheeran. I love avocados. Did I leave the kettle on? #ThinkingOutLoud http://t.co/OBmKOilljW
10/7
2014
Holy mackerelmore I'm excited RT @Macklemore: YO! Catch me on ELLEN @theellenshow wednesday performing ARROWS live with @FFEENNCCEESS at 4PM.@PortiadeRossi Charlie asked me to tweet this photo. She also asked me to tag it #CatWeek http://t.co/oBYGZzojV7My friend @Kevin_Nealon has a new show called #LaughLessons and this episode with @AdamSandler is hilarious. http://t.co/geTwiuuyDOIf you need a good pick-up line on Tinder, look no further. @IceCube and I have got you covered. http://t.co/cnLRoq0fryThe Supreme Court helped make marriage equality legal in 5 more states! That's it. They’re my favorite Supremes. Don’t tell Diana Ross.
10/6
2014
Why are there no knock knock jokes about freedom? Because freedom rings. #ClassicJokeFridayI love firefighters. This story touched me a lot. Thanks @Shutterfly for helping make this happen #LaughDancePartner http://t.co/NDH1zsCUa6Happy "Mean Girls" Day! #October3rd http://t.co/xwOtpHOqKbWhat do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto. #ClassicJokeFridayI played a new game with @JaneMarieLynch called “Lady Lovers”. You heard me. http://t.co/WuII4CNYqgDid you hear the forecast for the hip hop concert? They’re expecting a Lil' Wayne. #ClassicJokeFridayHappy birthday, @GwenStefani! I hope you get to celebrate it the way we’d all like to celebrate, between @AdamLevine and @Pharrell.
10/3
2014
You heard her, Beasters! RT @iamBeckyG: Hey #BEASTERS! Tomorrow I’m going to be on @TheEllenShow, who’s tuning in to watch me...?Wow. I'm learning so much about my wife on Twitter RT @PortiadeRossi: Have you seen this @TheEllenShow? A pic of my parents wedding for #tbtIt’s Name Your Car Day! I don’t have a name for my car. I drive a Porsche. Any thoughts? I'd love to name it after someone special to me.Happy Throwback Thursday! #TBT http://t.co/VKwFTa0pYnI don’t know who @MarioLopezExtra wrote he had a one-night stand with in his book, but it was fun watching him squirm http://t.co/Sg5WazcFtfIt’s #NationalPoetryDay! I wrote a haiku: Coming home is hard / but mostly when you leave your / keys in the freezerTonight there’s more @PortiadeRossi on #Scandal! Don’t miss it. I can’t wait to see what #LizzieBear is up to now.
10/2
2014
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