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Comedian, talk show host and ice road trucker. My tweets are real, and they’re spectacular.

39,279 Following   33,266,084 Followers   9,414 Tweets

Join Twitter 8/14/08

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Happy #ClassicJokeFriday http://t.co/QDcIQNj6y7What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche. #ClassicJokeFridayWe're all @Bengals today! @Dev_Still71 http://t.co/UATBjL8684@TheEllenShow What do Italians eat on halloween? Fetuccini A-fraid-o
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres"The Book of Life" opens today! @ChanningTatum, @ZoeSaldana and @DiegoLuna_ are all here. It’s a perfect Friday. http://t.co/854ALYed2WIt’s National Pasta Day and #ClassicJokeFriday! Anyone know any good pasta jokes? A penne for your thoughts..@Dev_Still71 will be on @TheEllenShow this Friday at 4pm ET! #LetsRoar http://t.co/7ucRg0M11M
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres
If you don't have a pair of these Ellen boxer briefs in your drawer then your truly missing o… http://t.co/XXklT2Yk8e http://t.co/e6f2g5hBTp
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresI'm happy to see everyone's as excited about #CatWeek as I am! https://t.co/uFUf9zojNdHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/QwxRutA0kNI’m thrilled that @ActuallyNPH is hosting the Oscars. He’s charming and hilarious. Plus, maybe this year we’ll get a musical number.It’s #SpiritDay! Make sure to be kind to one another today, and then do it again tomorrow, and then the next day, and then the next…
Come say, “Hi," sometime #EllenStyle RT @BenAffleck What can I say? #FincherStyle MT @TheEllenShow Loved Ben in Gone… http://t.co/VO6u8i06fNMy audience is so fancy. You already know. Here’s one thing they don’t know - the lyrics to that @IggyAzalea song. http://t.co/47umEKgKioIt’s a boy! Actually, it’s a @FallOutBoy. Congrats @PatrickStump and welcome baby Declan! See y’all in 2 weeks! http://t.co/aJ0xZw8BujHappy #CatWeek! http://t.co/CR275u3ihxHey @AndyLassner, I think you might be in the shot. https://t.co/YrZskhX88MHappy #YoureWelcomeWednesday http://t.co/w8CWnFAL54Set the DVR... 5-year-old Utah Jazz player JP Gibson & his family will appear on @TheEllenShow on Thursday at 4pm MT! http://t.co/cYOAjLiiUT
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresYou can get @agjewelry at the http://t.co/aCEUgw944H for 20% off! Or, you could enter to win some for free right here http://t.co/GnoG8ovY0K#TurnipForWhat is my new jam. https://t.co/QqEPaHiiMN
My wife @PortiadeRossi and I sat down for a very serious interview while she was here. Seriously. It was serious. http://t.co/AbHkvK53BGI loved @BenAffleck in “Gone Girl” but I don’t remember seeing his big foam finger. http://t.co/VO6u8i06fN.@Waldo - Hey. Where are you?I’m glad @PortiadeRossi was on my show today. I finally got to ask her if we’re having a baby. http://t.co/JYs4bjmCUqHappy birthday to one of my favorite performers and people, @Usher! Have a wonderful day. Drop by my bushes any time. http://t.co/iHB4a2Kb6M
I just took the best #ThrowbackThursday photo. I can’t wait for 20 years from now to post it. You guys, it’s gonna be great.I sent @KymDouglas bra shopping at @Nordstrom. Just her, a secret earpiece and some hidden cameras #LaughDancePartner http://t.co/qx0tZNDYrHMy wife @PortiadeRossi is on the show tomorrow! I’m so excited. Plus, I get to use the carpool lane on my way to work.It's my 5th annual #CatWeek! If ya love crazy cat videos & adorable cat videos & funny cat videos… you were probably watching my show anyway
Ever since my wife joined Twitter she's become like paparazzi. RT @portiaderossi Ed has Scandal on her mind AND back! http://t.co/G1waXrHSd5
St. Vincent is my favorite movie. I said it. It’s my favorite movie. Now I said it twice. Go see it.Happy #ClassicJokeFriday http://t.co/39fHaukuWHI rounded up my favorite tweetlys of the weekly, including one from my new favorite tweeter, @PortiadeRossi. http://t.co/zFHrAHKh4fI scared @AndyLassner with one of the scariest things imaginable -- a little baby girl dolly. http://t.co/SCNRBnXPqdDoes anyone know how the elevator business is? It has its ups and downs. #ClassicJokeFridayBig news. Huge. 2 weeks from today, I’m gonna be on @QVC! It’s going to be the best hour of shopping television in history.Shia LaBeouf spoke very openly on my show today. I’m glad he’s okay. http://t.co/FZBubdUzdg#MalalaYousafzai is the youngest person to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize. I’m astonished by her bravery. We should all be more like Malala.Happy birthday, @MarioLopezExtra! I’m celebrating by watching you host the @ALMAAwards tonight with @EvaLongoria. Alma be watching!
Tonight my favorite show is on! I love watching @PortiadeRossi on #Scandal. It makes me so happy. It also confuses the cats.Monday, @SelenaGomez is on the show! For now you'll have to settle for this selfie. http://t.co/Mr2HUXmVBFWhy is @official_tWitch in his Ellen underwear? Find out today! http://t.co/agFz4bimM2.@RobertDowneyJr is here. @RobertDowneyJr is wonderful. http://t.co/fKfpaM5IydHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/LjTstG3RHh
I’m very excited to announce that my wife @PortiadeRossi will be on my show next week! I’m a big fan. #WCWI asked Jennifer Garner how she feels about her husband, @BenAffleck’s nude scene. Happy #YoureWelcomeWednesday http://t.co/aKkxJidDjcIt’s that time of year again when I ask myself a difficult question and look to you for help. Here goes. What should I be for Halloween?Happy birthday, @BrunoMars! To celebrate, I’m sending you this birthday tweet! I should’ve bought you flowers.
knjnjmjmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmExcited to stay up to see the lunar eclipse tonight! It starts at 3:25am. All I have to do is keep from falling asleep facedown on my iPhoneYou're never a fool. And your pink underwear looked great in my dunk tank. RT @JoshDuhamel: Ellen's very persuasive in making me act a foolBackstage at my show, @JoshDuhamel revealed his drag name. http://t.co/zpkDCKiAAxI love this video. I love @EdSheeran. I love avocados. Did I leave the kettle on? #ThinkingOutLoud http://t.co/OBmKOilljW
Holy mackerelmore I'm excited RT @Macklemore: YO! Catch me on ELLEN @theellenshow wednesday performing ARROWS live with @FFEENNCCEESS at 4PM.@PortiadeRossi Charlie asked me to tweet this photo. She also asked me to tag it #CatWeek http://t.co/oBYGZzojV7My friend @Kevin_Nealon has a new show called #LaughLessons and this episode with @AdamSandler is hilarious. http://t.co/geTwiuuyDOIf you need a good pick-up line on Tinder, look no further. @IceCube and I have got you covered. http://t.co/cnLRoq0fryThe Supreme Court helped make marriage equality legal in 5 more states! That's it. They’re my favorite Supremes. Don’t tell Diana Ross.
Why are there no knock knock jokes about freedom? Because freedom rings. #ClassicJokeFridayI love firefighters. This story touched me a lot. Thanks @Shutterfly for helping make this happen #LaughDancePartner http://t.co/NDH1zsCUa6Happy "Mean Girls" Day! #October3rd http://t.co/xwOtpHOqKbWhat do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto. #ClassicJokeFridayI played a new game with @JaneMarieLynch called “Lady Lovers”. You heard me. http://t.co/WuII4CNYqgDid you hear the forecast for the hip hop concert? They’re expecting a Lil' Wayne. #ClassicJokeFridayHappy birthday, @GwenStefani! I hope you get to celebrate it the way we’d all like to celebrate, between @AdamLevine and @Pharrell.
You heard her, Beasters! RT @iamBeckyG: Hey #BEASTERS! Tomorrow I’m going to be on @TheEllenShow, who’s tuning in to watch me...?Wow. I'm learning so much about my wife on Twitter RT @PortiadeRossi: Have you seen this @TheEllenShow? A pic of my parents wedding for #tbtIt’s Name Your Car Day! I don’t have a name for my car. I drive a Porsche. Any thoughts? I'd love to name it after someone special to me.Happy Throwback Thursday! #TBT http://t.co/VKwFTa0pYnI don’t know who @MarioLopezExtra wrote he had a one-night stand with in his book, but it was fun watching him squirm http://t.co/Sg5WazcFtfIt’s #NationalPoetryDay! I wrote a haiku: Coming home is hard / but mostly when you leave your / keys in the freezerTonight there’s more @PortiadeRossi on #Scandal! Don’t miss it. I can’t wait to see what #LizzieBear is up to now.It’s a girl for Mila and Ashton! This has to be the best spinoff from "That ‘70s Show" ever.
Thank God for Twitter so I can finally clear this up! Thanks @amandawinter76 Who's crazy now @TheEllenShow ?? http://t.co/xA6pGWC4Es
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresThis 11-year-old dancer is absolutely incredible. http://t.co/22qAc7O9o3If you haven’t played my thrilling new game “Who’s in My Bushes?” -- here’s your big shot! http://t.co/gJ88MofvZ1No beef. It's World Vegetarian Day. RT @iamWandaSykes Oops! Sorry east coast, I forgot to tell you I'm on @TheEllenShow... No east west beefHappy #YoureWelcomeWednesday http://t.co/mOzm5ppFbnI had huge musicians sign an Ellen Rock for charity, like @Usher & @TaylorSwift13. Now they’re rock stars. Bid here! http://t.co/zgtAyLniXxLaugh. Dance. Cure. #BreastCancerAwarenessMonth http://t.co/WnpD4RyfioIt’s World Vegetarian Day! Why was the guy surprised when he saw a woman celebrating Vegetarian Day? He’d never seen herbivore.
My delightful dinner with the dead http://t.co/wREYuS7wp8
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresLooks like my gardener, Nick the Gardener has his own show. Who knew trimming hedges was so good for your midsection? http://t.co/PvNX0oJfOxCheck out @KekePalmer on my backstage camera. Here's a little peeky at Keke. http://t.co/6Bb9SMEyctIf you love comedy and you love women, this is a must-watch. #Makersfilms "Women in Comedy," tonight on @PBS.In the new Ellen App you can sync to the show you’re watching & see what’s going on live backstage. Seriously. Try it http://t.co/pWEWmTeAFhThis puppy doesn’t realize the glass door is open. That’s all you need to know. http://t.co/WJuecMExSc
For “This Plus That,” I added sound effects to “Dating Naked.” Interesting fact - only half of these sounds are added http://t.co/TFQsLXv6aZCongratulations, Bill, Hillary, Chelsea and Marc! Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky, 2052! http://t.co/sLxSTWoMpjStop what you’re doing and watch Noah Ritter at "Walking with Dinosaurs.” Trust me. http://t.co/AStPZJMRkVHappy #NationalCoffeeDay http://t.co/AbSljMISdS
My favorite passengers... http://t.co/wZCeIpF4I9
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres
What did the house wear to the party? Address. #ClassicJokeFridayHappy #ClassicJokeFriday http://t.co/KnanAa9kr8#HowToGetAwayWithMurder was amazing. I don't want to spoil it, but when she has to call the guy up to the thing to say you-know-what? OMG.This is what being kind to one another looks like. I’m so inspired by these three students. http://t.co/E76wGo3yKqWhat do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. #ClassicJokeFriday
Getting ready to watch the west coast feed of #ScandaI! So excited! http://t.co/w1cB5AYtbg
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresTonight, the final season of "Parenthood" starts. This is gonna be a great night for TV. I'm glad I have DVR. @TheLaurenGraham
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