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Empire's News Editor, host of The Empire Podcast, and complete and utter Q&A-hole. It's ok - I wouldn't follow me either.

643 Following   18,201 Followers   40,835 Tweets

Join Twitter 2/11/09

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@SummerRay @nickmurftweets Then I don't know what to do. Shall I play some Coldplay songs? That often helps me. *picks up bitchin' acoustic*
9/3
2014
@SummerRay @nickmurftweets I've been to the Baftas. I hope that gives you succour at this difficult time.@nevpierce Aw, that's lovely. He's ever such a nice man."If you don't want nude pics leaked, don't take nude pics with your phone โ€”" *Tasers you* *steals your shoes* SHOULDN'T WEAR SHOES BRO
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@TweeterThomson THERE IS NO BACON, ONLY ZUUL.@SummerRay @nickmurftweets I feel at this point that I should mention that Nick has a BAFTA.@nickmurftweets @SummerRay It's true. But mine doesn't have eyeholes.@ciaranfaloona Brown. Red sauce on bacon is an affront. To something.@kerihw Ooh, yes. One bag of tea or two THAT MAN IS A JOHNSON *faints*@SummerRay @nickmurftweets I am not. (This defence won't hold up under scrutiny)@kerihw He's also called Johnson, so when you watch him act, all you can think of is a sweaty Johnson. Sorry, where was I?@SummerRay @nickmurftweets *helmet envy*@TweeterThomson Bit of paprika, bit of garlic, you've got a tasty Zool sandwich.@mrmarcusmcgowan Smoked. Full fat.@extralizard13 What if our fridges are linked by a baconhole? #scienceJust checked the fridge. No demon dog. But there is bacon. Mmm... bacon.Home to find my fridge buzzing like it's got a demon dog inside.@nickmurftweets Is this the helmet pic @SummerRay bid ยฃ1000 for? A bargain at twice the price.@PhiltheBear care to elaborate? It's tough to do with something that's so subjective.You're either a Doris or a Dorisn't.@NickdeSemlyen Did he say his catchphrase? "I'll be Beck!", he says. Everyone laughs. We had ever such a good time, Doris.@simon_lindsell He takes his shirt off. She might like that. He goes a bit killy. She might not like that.LOVED The Guest. @AdamWingard and @Simon_Barrett are sick puppies in the best possible way, and Dan Stevens is a ready-made movie star.@dawneywawney Will you be shouting 'RETWEET!' at any other animals?The main problem with tweeting about A PIGEON SAT ON A BRANCH REFLECTING ON EXISTENCE is that once you type the title, you don't have much rI have just discovered that this man could well be returning to our screens. Mandingo, how I grock his mouth music. http://t.co/jrZkp8Nnmy@alexandraroach1 OH. MY. GOD. #bestsetever@TheMichaelMoran So much fun I nearly bought one, and had to stop myself when I realised I don't actually have a dog. Mr. Jenkins FTW!recreate your holiday by wandering into Greggs wearing swimming trunks, pointing at a sausage roll, shouting TWO and paying with a ยฃ50 note
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@SummerRay I saw the actor who plays him at a premiere once. He tried his best to be jovial, but you could see the sadness behind the eyes.@olly_richards Christ almighty. What an absolute bellend.@olly_richards Jesus. Where was this? Has someone come clean? Enjoy prison, pal!I'll do my #cinephilephoto thing just as soon as I can get hold of a DVD copy of Problem Child 2.@bdgrabinski Tony. Every time. Mainly because of The Last Boy Scout, mind.@jamescdyer Knowing you, the bloody West Wing again.Lesson for life - if in doubt, fast forward RT @AmznMovieRevws: The Wizard of Oz. http://t.co/Xrqocyjc6W
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt
9/2
2014
@UpturnedBathtub Fuck that guy. Don't fuck that guy.I just died ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ http://t.co/ZgpNtgFPfT
Retweeted by Chris HewittJim White just said, 'can you put some more meat on the bones?' to a man who was hit in the face with a dildo tonight. Jim White is cruel.@g_yeates81 "How do we know he's not Danny Welbeck?"@MooseAllain I like your thinking. *quietly deletes and replaces tweet*@g_yeates81 We really must put a stop to these afternoon football games.@MooseAllain Dammit, Moose, stop improving my tweets!The transfer window is shut! And dammit, I was just about to run down to the Emirates with this bad boy. http://t.co/XTcmTfcd0qTwo minutes to go. Get the champagne and dildos out. Everybody link arms, get ready for a rousing rendition of 'you're not singing anymore'.@DapperDan Good in the air. No, wait.@dan_gardener I wrote the rulebook.He pulls a dildo, you pull a sex doll. That's the transfer deadline way, and that's how you get your face on Sky Sports News. For a second.One of these reporters will snap and bathe in their abusers' blood. It will be glorious #deadlineday
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@BiscuitAhoy No. But there are so many other reasons why. I don't encourage laughter. Not in this house.@BiscuitAhoy That's what I tell her. LAUGH AT THAT, I tell her. LAUGH AT THAT.@jeremydrysdale Fucking hell. Better?@ian_sandwell Absolute prize lamps.@BiscuitAhoy It seemed like a minute. Might have been just a few second. My assessment of time differs greatly from my wife's, sadly.@ajsheep22 Aren't we all.@jeremydrysdale Dr Evil, innit.@leewest82 #ledgebantz"And what makes you right for the role of Twat Standing Behind Sky Sports Man On Deadline Day? Oh, you have your own dildo? You're hired."@aw_tanner Have you ever tried to dildo a gate, though? Takes ages and really hurts the elbows.Realising that Clark Kent wears a cape UNDER his work clothes has given me a new respect for him. I have trouble tucking a tshirt into jeans
Retweeted by Chris HewittWhen will Sky Sports learn not to have their reporters surrounded by frickin' idiots? *looks slowly at camera 2*Hey, @BiscuitAhoy, you might like to know that your parsnips tweet made my wife laugh out loud for a solid minute.Redknapp's Dream Team: 1. Top, Top Goalie 2. Triffic Kid 3. Lovely Lad 4. Fantastic Pro 5. Great Legs 6. Big Character 7. Niko Krancjar
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@boydhilton @andyffgibbons He finally consented to give the Pope an audience?@cluedont Oi! I wrote this exact tweet next week! Same wording and everything! #tealeaf@lokiarty He can claim all the Tayto he wants, but if Big Liam takes my Veda, he's for it.@edibow I can't explain the yellow tie. Nobody can explain it. Best to ignore it.@boydhilton I have visions of him clambering over fences, panicked and sweaty. He's on the bloody pitch!@edibow It's his schtick now, sadly. Permanently stuck on caps lock.@edibow NO BED. JIM NEEDS US.Watching House Of Cards always makes me feel 17 to 20 per cent brainer.
Retweeted by Chris HewittPerhaps chastened by the promise of my love eggs, the Sky Sports man has retreated to the safety of the Emirates. http://t.co/Y6HLZDGffYBack in Finsbury Park already. Might nip down to the Emirates and shove some love eggs up the Sky Sports man's bottom. #transferdeadlinedayMy very particular set of skills also includes eating both halves of a Bounty inside a minute, playing Fifa 14, and oh Christ, that's it.Just added 'interviewing this man on stage' to my very particular set of skills. http://t.co/w5jK6XhNzy@nickmurftweets @SummerRay This is too rich for my blood. I'm going back to Paul Ross. He'll show me anything I want to see, and for FREE!@BiscuitAhoy @MaiaDunphy Amazing. That's above parsnip.@MikaylaDiamond IT WAS A LUCKY GUESShttp://t.co/bQVs1RTf6P
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@BiscuitAhoy @MaiaDunphy It's the first image you see when you type 'rude parsnips'. SHOULD HAVE GONE DEEPER."Good evening, and welcome to Kleptomaniacs Anonymous. If you'd all like to take a sea...OH, FOR FUCKS SAKE. SERIOUSLY?"
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@BiscuitAhoy http://t.co/qnUlbYhzGcA parsnip is what happens when a golfer has a vasectomy. @BiscuitAhoy@BiscuitAhoy Upload your photos of parsnips to the cloud NOW. They'll be perfectly safe there.- sign up to Asda as Mrs Parsnip - order 20kg parsnips - answer door wearing dress made of parsnips - say "I didn't order these" - shut door
Retweeted by Chris HewittPurple dildo on sky sports news https://t.co/oKIXWFXFMj
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt'HMV is on course to overtake Amazon as the UK's biggest music and DVD retailer, just 18-months since its collapse' http://t.co/YlhvPR6yU2
Retweeted by Chris HewittI'm just guessing that Harmony is the name of a store where you can buy purple dildos. I wouldn't know.Brilliant. I come into town for a Q&A, and I miss a purple dildo being waved around on Sky Sports. Late purchase from Harmony, apparently.@marcbernardin Or if it's being dumped over your head.@nickmurftweets @SummerRay You're in dreamland, mate. Dreamland. She'll never go for it. Short-term loan at best. *leaves cash on the table*@nickmurftweets ยฃ50 for a cheeky glance at the left one. #finaloffer@Biltawulf Yes yes. Buy buy. Now now.I'm on the tube. Conspicuous absence of men wearing yellow ties indicates that TFL has completed all its transfer activity for the season.BREAKING NEWS: Fagin swoops for group of teen ruffians surrounding terrified Sky Sports News man outside the Emirates. #transferdeadlineday@BeardedGenius #sohotrightnow@peatreebojangle SO EROTICThese hacked celebrity nude photos have really shaken my faith in how impenetrable clouds are.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@BeardedGenius I thought we'd signed the summer's most handsome player in Emre Can, but Blind is very much the Hansel to his Zoolander.YESSSSS! THE DEAL IS DONE!!! http://t.co/LUtLrxIfZT
9/1
2014
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